As I write to family and friends in America I know that what I write is being read in different parts of the world, in which are found different cultures. I don’t know how to explain, in a prudent manner, why I find myself in the position I am in; a feeling of being very alone, positioned between two groups of people. One group is English speaking and the other is Chinese speaking.
Because of my friendship with Jiajing, a relationship with her family and friends and their culture has opened up to me in a wonderful way, but it has unexpectedly caused some of my English speaking support people to distance themselves from me. I have learned so much and been so blessed by this relationship with Jiajing’s family and friends, but I am somewhat afraid of the relationship because of not knowing the Chinese language and some of their culture. I am afraid of doing or saying something that would offend them and hurt our relationship and not be able to understand what happened. When Jiajing was present I had a buffer that I felt protected by. Through her I could always have input on feelings and cultural aspects at the time. Now there is the unknown and that tends to stress me.
As my relationship with Jiajing continues to mature along with my family, there will always be this desire, at least on my part, to deepen relationships with this Chinese family just as it is their desire toward us. Jiajing’s mom has pictures of my family and knows all of our names and is proud to tell others about us and show them our pictures. So how does this relationship maintain a healthy growth and how does it relate to the time I spend in China now and possibly in the future?
Because of several experiences earlier in my life, even back to childhood, rejection is a major issue for me. This growing isolation I feel from some of my friends causes some very deep feelings of rejection. I had no idea this is where I would find myself on this trip. With the lease on my apartment ending this year I have to decide by the end of October if I want to renew, live somewhere else, or not come to China any longer. Maybe Connie and I should rent a small place in Phoenix and spend some time with our family there. Our daughter’s child care cost could help us with the rent.
There are two things I desire from this turmoil I presently find myself in. I desire a deeper relationship with Jiajing and her family, but is it also time for a deeper relationship with my family? At this time I do not know how to accomplish this, but I have a suspicion that the Lord does and in time he will show us. What we need now is prayer.
Because of my friendship with Jiajing, a relationship with her family and friends and their culture has opened up to me in a wonderful way, but it has unexpectedly caused some of my English speaking support people to distance themselves from me. I have learned so much and been so blessed by this relationship with Jiajing’s family and friends, but I am somewhat afraid of the relationship because of not knowing the Chinese language and some of their culture. I am afraid of doing or saying something that would offend them and hurt our relationship and not be able to understand what happened. When Jiajing was present I had a buffer that I felt protected by. Through her I could always have input on feelings and cultural aspects at the time. Now there is the unknown and that tends to stress me.
As my relationship with Jiajing continues to mature along with my family, there will always be this desire, at least on my part, to deepen relationships with this Chinese family just as it is their desire toward us. Jiajing’s mom has pictures of my family and knows all of our names and is proud to tell others about us and show them our pictures. So how does this relationship maintain a healthy growth and how does it relate to the time I spend in China now and possibly in the future?
Because of several experiences earlier in my life, even back to childhood, rejection is a major issue for me. This growing isolation I feel from some of my friends causes some very deep feelings of rejection. I had no idea this is where I would find myself on this trip. With the lease on my apartment ending this year I have to decide by the end of October if I want to renew, live somewhere else, or not come to China any longer. Maybe Connie and I should rent a small place in Phoenix and spend some time with our family there. Our daughter’s child care cost could help us with the rent.
There are two things I desire from this turmoil I presently find myself in. I desire a deeper relationship with Jiajing and her family, but is it also time for a deeper relationship with my family? At this time I do not know how to accomplish this, but I have a suspicion that the Lord does and in time he will show us. What we need now is prayer.
